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The Reksling Archive

2014 0522 - The Ross Report

Hello from under my big fucking hat. Jim "Jimbo" Ross here on the Reksling Obsessor bringing you the latest news on Reksling and hats and Oklahoma. Let's lead off with some talk about the latest and greatest injuries in the world of professional reksling.

Daniel Bryan - The WWE World Heavyweight Champion is currently out with a broken neck, and on top of that, he married a real Jezebel. Estimated divorce in 3 years or less. She will sire him a weak child.

CM Punk - out 6-8 more months with a huge pussy injury.

Undertaker - out about 10 months wow convenient

Christian - Christian was once tougher than a $2 steak, now he just looks like a $2 steak. He is so ugly and I hate him. Ugliest man ever in wrestling.

Jim Ross - good ole JR suffered a pecker injury when he popped a spicy boner looking at old thong pics of Lita and in his excitement to crank his rigid Oklahoma Redbud, he tripped over his pants and cracked his cock something fierce. Boomer Sooner!

Ultimate Warrior - lol

Shawn Michaels - got his ass shot off while filiming his garbage shit hunting show. Poop spewed like an Oklahoma Stampede from his ass-wound and soiled the ground (thus fertilizing it), and a mighty oak later bloomed in that very spot. It still stands there to this day.

Mark Henry - nagging lazy fatfuck injury, been bothering him for the past ten years #Boom

Moving on to the news of the week.

Had a long conversation this past weekend with one of my old favorites, Canada's own Chris Benoit. Chris called me from his second home in Atlanta, after taking a swim with his dogs. He said he was getting back in ring shape and was ready for a major comeback, either with WWE or Global Force Wrestling. He seems to be in good spirits, and has been going to church and reading the Bible regularly. He said he felt like he'd been just hanging around for years doing nothing, and it was time for one last run. Who wouldn't want to see a Benoit vs Bryan, or Benoit vs Yum Yum match?

Danny Hodge has big ass hands.

Saw Cowboy Bill Watts just last night. Didn't recognize him with his hood on until I heard him speak. If anyone deserves to be promoted to Grand Wizard of the Oklahoma chapter of the Ku Klux Klan, it's the Cowboy. We had a lively conversation at the local Sizzler about "the biz" and racial mixing after the last cross burnt out.

I loved Steve Corino's commentary at the last Ring of Honor show. "Rethal Injection" had me rolling on the floor, as did the joke about penis size. Asian people are so weird.

Thanks to everyone for reading my column. For my friends in the UK, I hope you'll be doing your part in the voting booth by voting UKIP in the upcoming election.

Boomer Sooner.

2014 0513 - Daniel Bryan and the New Kayfabe

On the May 12th edition of Raw, Daniel Bryan announced he needs neck surgery, and he will be out for some time.

The usual suspects - dirtsheets, WWE Facebook commenters, Schweens - all jumped on the news with their typical credulity, but what was more fascinating was watching the people who should know better react in exactly the same manner.

In short, no, Daniel Bryan doesn't have a broken neck, and he isn't about to undergo surgery. It's a storyline, and a simple one at that, but the trappings of New Kayfabe have turned people upside down.

2014 0505 – WWE to Debut Sister Abigail Imminently

It’s a very WWE problem indeed to have plans to debut a character without having someone set in the role yet. Regardless, WWE is expected to debut Sister Abigail – the figure in Wyatt mythology who seemingly warped Bray Wyatt into the twisted soul he is today – imminently. What direction they take the character is a topic of ongoing debate and discussion. Here are the possibilities.

WWE Divas Champion Paige

Paige is dark and gothy and would fit in aesthetically with the Wyatt family. Not sure how they’d explain how a 21 year old from England managed to mentally destabilize a 30-something Cajun, but time travel is always an option.

NXT wrestler Bayley

In NXT, Bayley is known for her hug-based offense. She also hugs people when not doing offense, getting sexual pleasure from the hugs. Along with Paige, she’s the forerunner for the role, and would be the “softer” choice. Her sweet nature would contrast with the Wyatt family’s violent approach and it would be funny when she hugs them because they wouldn’t want to be hugged. It would be awesome.

Stephanie McMahon

One half of The Authority reveals she’s been Sister Abigail all along (throwback to the Higher Power angle). This will reignite the Daniel Bryan vs Bray Wyatt feud. I assume a romance between Bray and Stephanie Abigail would make for big business as the catalyst for a Bray vs Triple H feud.

Kane’s mask

Michael “PS” Hayes suggested this one and then pissed all in his pants and passed out. Said to have an outside shot.

Tamina Snuka

The writers would play up the idea her father killed that girl, but would hint she was actually the one who did it.

Aksana

Just imagine Bray doing the crabwalk while Aksana does her sultry crawl and try to tell me that doesn’t sound awesome. She’s Lithuanian, which is like the backwoods of Europe, too. The only problem is she might be too sexy, because good lord she is.

2014 0428 - Update

Today, Batista had to have the single strangest Twitter tweet spree I have ever see. We've screencapped everything for your perusal.

2014 0421 - ***EXCLUSIVE*** SHOCKING HULK HOGAN EXPOSE

2011: Randy Savage dies of a heart attack shortly after burying the hatchet with Hulk Hogan

2014: Ultimate Warrior dies of a heart attack shortly after burying the hatchet with Hulk Hogan

Who's next?

2014 0418 - Ryback PolitiFact

2014 0410 - The Disciples of Jim Cornette vs Nancy Grace

2014 0409 - Twitter reacts to the passing of The Ultimate Warrior

2014 0407 Post Wrestlemania News and Notes

http://i.imgur.com/FRvxETy.gif

Some quick hits before we get into the editorial portion of this update. I'll hit em up real quick.

-Taker forgot to kickout of the F5. He was booked to win.

-Lot of heat on Bryan for taking Stephanie out on the dive. That was not planned and he is probably going to get fired.

-My dad works at Nintendo and said Undertaker died in the hospital after his match with Brock.

-Tyler Reks was backstage and booked to turn the main event into a four way, but when they presented him a contract backstage, it was well below what they had initially promised him in terms of money. He tore it up and walked. Unverified rumor my dad told me is Reks has signed with the Jeff Jarrett promotion.

-I was talking to Karmine and he told me Wrestlemania 4 is still the best Wrestlemania. More on this as it develops.

-Sunsweet was at Toys R Us and said the Shield toys look like shit and then said I look like shit too (????).

-Triple H's usage of a Tiger Suplex was specifically done as a nod to the rising popularity of New Japan. WWE is going to reintroduce puro moves to the WWE in an attempt to raise the bar. John Cena is to be given the Tiger Driver '91. Orton will begin using the Dragon Suplex. Cesaro gets the Danshoku Driver.

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On creating new stars.....

If Wrestlemania XXX can be encapsulated with a single word, that word is this word right here: duality.

Amidst the glamour and glitz of the 30th Wrestlemania, the pageantry and revelry, there's a hidden story thread most wrestling fans and internet marks just won't pick up on, and the word that encapsulates the story thread is this: respect.

Respect! (Remember when Booker T kept saying "respect" in TNA? Good times. He was so funny.)

All credit in the world to WWE for elevating young talent on the grandest stage of them all, but stars should not be made at the expense of humiliating a true legend of the ring, someone who has given back more than he ever took from the industry. What WWE did was short sighted can't-see-the-forest-through-the-trees bullshit, and at the end of the day I hope they realized how badly they screwed up, and regret their actions.

Billy Gunn at age 50 may only be the 2nd or 3rd best pure athlete in the WWE, but someone of his tenure and ability deserves a better Wrestlemania moment than a 3 minute squash to a bunch of green dweebs cosplaying SWAT officers. This was the Ass's swan song, and to have it wasted so casually is ridiculous - and it's doubly aggravating that he was injured by the Shield's most prominent steroid lunkhead.

While the younger generation of PG nerd fans probably lack the respect for Assman, true 90s kids remember. They remember the backward walk down the ramp, they remember him pulling down his pants to show off his perfect ass, they remember when he kissed Road Dogg's ass and then held his nose as if to say VERY GROSE, they remember the FameASSER. More than anything, they remember the smile of delight on all the fans in the crowd when Mr. Ass took a rest from the match to rub and slap his ass and when, as a face, he let the fans slap it.

You will never be forgotten, Billy Ass.

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Top 5 Diva Bakeoff Dishes

1. AJ (winner) - Deep dish pizza (this got a CM Punk chant)

2. Layla - Chicken Parmesan

3. Cameron - Grey Goose, straight

4. Brie Bella - some weird vegan thing

5. Aksana (she just kneed Naomi in the face)

Disqualified: Natalya (fart sandwich is not an accepted dish)

2014 0402 - Running down all the big matches for Wrestlemania XXX!

"I don't like you, Hunter, but dammit I do respect you...."

With those words, the go home show for Raw was in the books, screen fading on Daniel Bryan and Triple H shaking hands in the middle of the ring. It was a powerful moment to say the least, and the crowd ate it up. Time will tell if the match lives up to the hype, but as of now, HHH vs Bryan is clearly the main draw of Mania.

While it's nice to have a hot respect feud in the limelight, most of the support matches at Wrestlemania 30 are certainly bringing the goods as well. We here at the Reksling Obsessor are going to run them down top to middle, and then middle to bottom, with minor variation. Hold on to your nice backside this is gonna be f*cked up!!!

Note that there will be spoilers due to my inside sources (http://t.co/hjpM70gntC)

Opener: Kane and the New Age Outlaws vs the Shield

Finish to this match has already leaked. Seth Rollins is going to curb stomp Billy Gunn's ass and Mr Ass is going to shit everywhere (spray shit, complete loss of bowel control) and this grosses everyone out except Kane who chokeslams Dean Ambrose in a puddle of shit and pins him. Roman Reigns will powerbomb the announce table through the Spanish announce table after the match.

DIva Bakeoff

In what I can only hope is a deconstruction/satire of the Attitude Era's penchant for humiliating, agency-stripping diva match stipulations, AJ Lee's title is set to be defended in a bakeoff. All the main roster divas will compete to see who makes the best dish. The 2014 Hall of Fame Class will be judging, which should be an absolute treat for Ultimate Warrior fans. Expect someone's face to go in a cake, and for AJ to drop her title. The forerunner to take the belt is, as of this writing, Emma.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Hogan to enter first, setting the match up. He shocks the crowd by stating he's entering the match. Hogan is wearing the boots Andre wore when Hulk killed him at Wrestlemania 3 (most famous boots in the world). Surprise entrants in the Battle Royal include Blade Butch Masters and Shaggy 2 Dope. Hulk last eliminates Big Show to win. Show is pissed and re-enters the ring, and they square off. Big Show cracks a smile and raises Hulk's hand as the crowd chants "You Still Got It".

Andre the Giant Memorial

All the participants in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal surround the ring. A ten foot Andre the Giant statue is brought down to the ring. Big Show cries for his father. Kid Rock enters the arena and plays a 15 minute set where he replaces every word in every song with some variation of "Andre the Giant". Hulk Hogan is given a medal.

Intergender Tag Team Championship

People think Emma is just some sort of bubbly, giggly girl who's all about having fun, and yet here she is pulling double duty at Wrestlemania - first in the bakeoff and then in a match to determine the first ever intergender tag champs. She teams with the always hilarious Santino Marella, of course. Ric Flair and his daughter, NXT's Charlotte, are announced as the mystery opponents. Emma will lowblow Santino at the end to give the Flairs the win and she becomes Charlotte's new mom.

John Cena vs Bray Wyatt

John Cena cuts a promo on Bray where he calls him Husky Harris, as we all feared would happen. Bray comes out crying and calls Cena a bully. He forfeits the match. Cena is granted a title match at Extreme Rules.

Triple H vs Daniel Bryan

The two men will shake hands at the start. Expect lots of scientific wrestling early (HHH will work the Indian Death Lock, his killer submission from ages ago). The story will be Bryan, the technical wrestler, is nonetheless being outclassed by Triple H, leading to him becoming more and more aggravated and desperate. Bryan will start taking shortcuts (eye gouges, the taint punch, Yo Momma putdowns. He'll bring up Linda's failed senate runs and claim Brie is hotter than Stephanie. HHH will cooly remain unaffected by trash talk. Newly crowned champion Ric Flair comes from the back with his daughter and his new wife, and in a shock of shocks, he distracts Triple H, Emma lowblows him, and Bryan cheats his way to an undeserved victory. The new stable runs away. Triple H stands alone in the ring afterward, to a chorus of Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye.

Undertaker vs Lesnar

I think this is the year they break the streak. 30 Wrestlemanias, 30 Undertaker matches, 1 loss.

Main Event! Bryan vs Batista vs Randy Orton for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship!

Three times during the match a participant sets up a table, which instinctually brings out Roman Reigns, who powerbombs him through it. Emma attempts to lowblow Batista, but Batista's dick is so gigantic that it envelops his balls in a protective bubble, like a anaconda coiling around two boulders. Batista powerbombs Emma and rips his trunks. Ric Flair needlessly takes a press slam from inside the ring to out. After all the chaos and bedlam, Daniel Bryan wins after Triple H Pedigrees Randy Orton and throws Bryan on top.

"Oh shit they swerved us!" Mike Tenay will scream. "It was planned all along!"

2014 0224 - The Complete History of The Land of the Giants

The Land of the Giants are one of the true legendary tag teams in the storied history of All Japan Pro Wrestling, even though they lasted for barely a year. With their combined height of 14 feet, their tenacious arm wringers, and their fierce mullets, the duo made an immediate splash in All Japan, taking established legends like Andre the Giant and Giant Baba to the absolute limit. One of their career highlights was squashing two Undertakers.

LotG were comprised of the technical machine Blade Butch Masters, and the animated huge-breast man Skywalker Nitron. Each man was billed at 7 feet tall, entering and leaving the ring over the top rope, as giants do.

Blade Butch Masters

Blade Butch was the master of the arm-wringer, constantly innovating new attacks to perform while holding the arm. In one example, Butch grabbed Andre the Giant in an arm-wringer while using clubbing blows to the shoulder (possibly dislocating it), causing the inferior giant to roar in pain. In the same match, he arm-wringered Giant Baba, put the wringed arm in the ropes, and kicked the ropes. The impact of the blow was said to have shattered Baba's arm such that the very injury killed him a few years later, and was the impetus behind Baba forcing the Land of the Giants out of AJPW.

Skywalker Nitron

Nitron, flopping breasts and blonde combination rat-tail/mullet, was definitely the ladies man of the group. What Blade had in power and technical expertise, The Skywalker more than made up for in sheer bravado. He was known predominately for screaming while any and all offense was performed on him, and for huffing his chest while putting up his dukes when booed by the crowd. Nitron lived the playboy lifestyle in Japan, a near-permanent fixture on magazines and in night clubs during their brief stay overseas.

The Downfall

How do two behemoths with untold natural ability wash out of Japan? Politics and personal disagreements, of course. Blade and Skywalker had a fiery rivalry, and even got in several heated exchanges of arm-wringers before shows. Blade felt Nitron was not living up to his potential - and thus letting the team down - by constantly partying and expanding his breasts. Nitron would blow off Blade's concerns and state that the Land of the Giants was going to become a nation of one if he didn't lay off. This would usually escalate to a terrifying mass of arm-wringers before the two were separated.

More than any personal issues, however, the two were doomed from the moment Blade Butch Masters crushed Baba's arm. Baba, who was the owner of All Japan and an influential figure in Japanese culture, loved the spotlight and couldn't handle outsiders usurping his position. Even though Baba and Andre slipped on a banana peel to win the match, they felt the effects of the hellish beating the Land of the Giants gave them for the rest of their lives. Soon, the Land of the Giants were no more, blackballed from all Japanese promotions entirely, thanks to Baba's vast contacts in organized crime.

Blade Butch Masters and Skywalker Nitron never teamed again, but they did have one final match in Puerto Rico. The resulting chaos of the dream match destroyed most of San Juan, forcing US president George HW Bush to make a joint declaration with Japanese Prime Minister Toshiki Kaifu that the two would never be allowed to face off again.

Today, both men are retired from the pro wrestling business and are rumored to be the final names announced for the 2014 WWE Hall of Fame (they made it into the Wrestling Observer Hall of Fame both as a tag team and as singles wrestlers on their first year of eligibility, the only men to have ever accomplished the feat). If the rumor is true, The Land of The Giants will be in the same room together for the first time in over 20 years. One can only hope time has tempered their rivalry.

2014 0210 - Monday Daily Update

-Tyler Reks appeared on the Steve Austin Podcast this week and cast further doubt on whether his WWE return was going to happen. He said he was frustrated by each of the three different scenarios pitched to him by creative, and even though he has been promised reasonable creative control, he doesn't think it will be enough to "ensure we do the big return the right way." He said in current WWE, he'd most like to work a feud with Kofi Kingston, culminating in a dreadlock vs dreadlock match.

-To their credit, WWE is redoubling efforts to bring Reks on board in time for the launch of the Network. Given his post-WWE career has been predominately Internet and IT related, he is desperately needed to help program the Network.

-Alberto del Rio donated $100,000 of his own money to build an orphanage in Monterrey but no one really cared.

-Itty bitty baby KENTA of Pro Wrestling NOAH was given a tryout in NXT and everyone thought he was adorable and Triple H picked him up in his arms and fed him a bottle, which KENTA only drank half of. KENTA thanked Triple H on his Facebook for the free food and for his tryout, and he announced he was staying with NOAH because there was no way he could hack it in WWE.

-Ryback went on a major Tweet/Delete spree today. Here are some of the choice tweets.

-Sting is indeed still in talks to come in to WWE, but he's slow to commit without a long term guarantee of lots of money with minimal effort.