In-Depth Reporting on the Steve Austin Podcast with Vince McMahon 

What a couple of weeks it has been. CM Punk went on his loser friend’s podcast and cried like the huge baby he is, Ultimate Warrior came back to life, Vince McMahon bared his soul on Stone Cold’s podcast, Jim Ross was outed as a member of the KKK, the UFC admitted to being worked, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. 

We here at the Reksling Obsessor have torn apart Vince McMahon’s interview with Stone Cold Steve Austin, breaking down the facts, fictions, and outright lies for easy digestion. 

Of course, the main thrust of the interview centered around CM Punk. Vince spent the majority of the airtime countering claims made by Punk and it made for greatly enjoyable audio. 

“I fired Phil on his birthday because that’s fucking funny to me. Phil was a mediocre talent with a shit look and a worse body so no, I don’t miss him much, if at all. I have no idea what AJ sees in him. Is CM Punk honestly more attractive than Vince McMahon? Hardly. I could give AJ a lot of orgasms, and I still hope to do so one day when she comes to her senses and leaves that zero for a hero.” 

“Punk said the last match at Mania is the main event, but then went on to say Mania itself is what draws, so it serves to reason that, by his logic, every match is the main event. So Punk already main evented several Wrestlemanias. He owned himself with logic.”

Vince opened up about the lawsuit and specifically took aim at Punk’s claim that he got everything he wanted, and then some, in the settlement. 

“Oh so you got everything you wanted, eh Punk? You wanted to give me one million dollars of your own money and you wanted to kiss my ass? Steve, you can ask Kevin or Paul if this happened because they were both there. He kissed my ass and I spread my cheeks when he was down there and I spurted a few huge farts right into his mouth.”

“Actually, I made Punk give me 2 million dollars, not one. He has no more money left because that’s all the money he had and I took it. I also slapped him and kneed him in the guts and he fell down and I took out my monster and pissed all over him. He was crying and I shoved $100 dollars in his mouth and called him a loser. Again, Steve, you can verify all of this with Kevin or Paul.” 

Stone Cold asked Vince for his take on the meeting Punk called before the Raw he left.

“Let me make this clear,” Vince said, “there was no meeting. You know who gets meetings with me? Guys like Cena, Orton, or Triple H. Hell, that’s not a comprehensive list. If you’re huge like Ryback I’ll sit in your lap and fondle your arms.”

“Anyway, this skinnyfat midcarder comes up and says ‘we need to talk,’ and I tell him to talk to my ass and do some aggressive jackoff motions. I assumed that ran him off, because that’s a fucking nasty burn, but he’s still there, stomping around like his name is Archie Gouldie, so I slapped him and press slammed him through a table backstage. That was the whole meeting. Everything else was a fabrication. I’d sooner meet with Lilian Garcia and look her dreadful horse-face right in the eyes than I would drop everything for a low-tier drone like Phil Brooks.”

However, Vince stated on the record that he would accept Punk back. 

“If he wants to come back I’ll make him Torito’s unathletic big brother. He can be called Borito or something.”

They moved on from Punk at that point, and the interview became, if anything, even better. Stone Cold asked point blank if Vince ever fucked a diva and demanded names.

“Oh god damn yeah I’ve fucked plenty of divas,” Vince laughed. “This pisses Brock off, but I’ve fucked Sable plenty of times. A few months ago they were sitting backstage with me and I got Sable to admit I’m better at fucking than Brock. No big surprise there. I’m a very attentive lover and I eat ass.”

“Let’s see, I never fucked Trish but I did watch her shit once. There was a glass table backstage and I was like ‘sure would be nice if someone climbed up on that table and shit for me right now!’ It was just me, Trish, and Undertaker for some reason and Taker was having none of it. So I promised Trish the women’s title if she’d do it and she climbed up there and took a small crap and later on I scooped it up into a ziplock bag, which I still have to this day. Every few months I take the poop out and kiss it.”

Vince continued. “I’m not into tatted up chicks but I did fuck Lita – recently, in fact. I heard she used to date Punk so I fucked her after Hall of Fame and we texted him pics and videos. It humiliated him so badly it gave him a staph infection.”

Stone Cold admitted he fucked Stephanie “back when she was hot” and Vince was outraged and demanded Austin take it back. “She is the hottest she has ever been. Steph is straight fire right now. You take it back this instant.” Austin wouldn’t budge and said he liked Steph best back when she had enormous boobs.

“You got a thing for huge boobs, eh Steve? Weren’t you married to that massive chested old broad for a while? You beat her pretty regularly, actually, now that I think about it. I remember hearing you beat Lady Blossom, your second wife, too. You sure like to beat women, Steve, but I’m glad to see it has not diminished the esteem with which the general public regards you.” 

“To all the women who I have savagely beaten in my life,” Stone Cold responded, “I am sorry if the beatings I gave you offended you. Remember there are two sides to every story. Regardless, I will say again that if it ever offended you to be beaten by me, I apologize for the inconvenience.”   

Vince talked about Lilian Garcia and how disgusted she makes him. “She looks like a horse and also she is over 40 and I hate both these things about her.” He said one time he saw her gather up all the salt packets in catering and she congealed them into a salt lick and went to town on it for 3 hours straight.

Vince talked about how clean his hole is, bragging that it’s in perfect condition. He slips a bushel of grapes into his hole every morning before going to work, and by the time he gets home they have become raisins and he enjoys a late night snack. His anal muscles are so developed he can smash the grapes while they are inside his hole and make wine instead of raisins, which he can then shit into a glass for a delicious treat. 

At one point Vince asked Stone Cold if they could pause the interview to go hunting, seemingly forgetting that they were backstage after a Raw, and not out at the Broken Skull Ranch. When Stone Cold pointed out they were in an arena and the only animal around was “that horse Lilian Garcia,” Vince seemed to consider the possibility of hunting her for sport, but eventually gave up on the idea. “I only want to hunt things I’d fuck after killing it,” Vince concluded. 

Stone Cold pushed hard for Randy Savage to go in the Hall of Fame and Vince was clearly flustered by Macho Man’s name coming up. Vince tried to change the subject after a quick confirmation that Randy would indeed go in soon, but Austin didn’t relent. He threatened to Stun Vince if the truth about Vince and Randy’s strained relationship was not brought to light. 

“My father died in 1984, and I didn’t find this out until much, much later, but Macho Man was the guy who killed him. That’s the whole truth. Randy Savage is a murderer, and I don’t know how to accept that. That’s why I hate him.” 

Stone Cold brought up the shitstorm that raged after it came to light that Jim Ross was a member of the KKK and asked Vince for an opinion. Vince brushed it off, pointing out that the Klan is actually good now. 

“Did you see the news about Mexicans and negroes being welcomed into the KKK lately? It’s time to get over it. The KKK is a positive force in the world and is all about networking and community organization. Racism is dead, but people will always try racebait and bring a good man down.”

“JR isn’t my favorite person in the world, but don’t crucify him for being a member of the KKK, but if you do crucify him, you might as well put me and Steve right beside him because we are members of the Ku Klux Klan as well. I want to make it very clear that I, Vince McMahon, owner of the WWE, am a proud member of the KKK, and I think all you listening should be too.” 

On the divas, Stone Cold gave Vince flak for the total lack of character depth most women have, but praised the recent cheesecake lesbian-ism. Vince countered that women don’t “have a lot of depth to begin with, as far as I’m concerned” and said for every self-possessed, driven woman like his daughter, you have ten warbling horse-faces like Lilian Garcia. 

“Women are fucking boring, Steve, you know that. The best we can do with them is to make them all hypersexual lesbians who grope each other and stick their tongues in one another’s buttholes and clean them with heavy licks and slurp the holes. This is what women do to each other these days. Women all love to taste the holes of one another, all the holes. This includes the pussy and the butt and, by the way Steve did you know that women have a third hole to piss out of? Both the main pussy hole and the butt they poop out of, but there is another hole, a small hole, slightly higher up in the pussy area that the piss comes out of.” 

Stone Cold said he thinks the third hole is called the clit and that’s where the woman gets most the pleasure from. Vince was unsure and then suggested there is actually another hole – the pleasure hole – even higher than this pisshole and that might be called the clit. Both Vince and Stone Cold agreed to research female anatomy more and to do another podcast in a few weeks recounting what they had learned. 

CM Punk Art of Wrestling Recap: Fact, Fiction, Diapers

CM Punk, bitter ex-WWE star and zero-time Wrestlemania main eventer, recently went on his equally bitter friend’s podcast to whine about the circumstances leading up to and immediately following his departure from the WWE. It has been a much talked about interview, as Punk shot on damn near everyone in the company, from the very top, to the absolute bottom. We here the Reksling Obsessor are going to offer context to his statements, so let’s not waste time. 

The gist of the interview was Punk getting his shots in on those more popular than him and complaining that he didn’t make as much money as people who were actual assets to the company. He also repeatedly mentioned how Twitter comments barely even bother him and he made sure to rant about this like 20 times during the interview. 

Most importantly, Punk did admit to shitting on Smackdown, saying the WWE doctor had run out of diapers and Punk tried to work without one, but had an accident. Punk noted he had been wrestling in diapers for “at least five years” and Cabana corrected him, saying he first saw punk slip a diaper under his shorts ten years ago at “World Title Classic” in Dayton. Punk agreed and pointed out the irony that a small outfit like ROH could properly provide diapers for the boys while WWE couldn’t be bothered. 

Punk claimed he had spectral power over orbs and uses crystals to charge his ki and this gives him sexual magnetism. He did not elaborate. 

“I wanted to open up additional revenue streams for the boys by allowing me and me alone to have sponsorships on my fight shorts. This makes sense to me somehow.”

Punk talked about how he has had sex with a lot of women and Colt asked who had the best smelling ass. Punk said he’d have to think about it and would have the answer for part two. 

There was a lot of talk about Vince McMahon. Punk claimed Vince hugged him after he said he was leaving, and Punk reluctantly returned the hug. He said their penises touched while they were hugging and “Vince seemed to be long and thin”. Punk said Triple H hugged him from behind and it was like a sandwich and the three of them rocked there for a while crying. 

There was a funny story about how Vince told Punk he cannot, under any circumstances, walk Chael Sonnen to the ring for UFC. Punk specifically said Vince was against it because “it’s like human cockfighting” and that “there is at least one death every show and we don’t want to be affiliated with that.” Punk said he hopes women fight soon because he loves watching ladies die and Vince agreed.

Punk stated he spent three days in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber training, which sounds great on paper, but everybody knows if you spend even a minute over 2 days in the room, the door to the exit disappears and you are stuck in nothingness forever. 

“I’m definitely the best promo in the history of wrestling,” Punk said. “Sometimes I listen back to my promos and they are even better than I thought, like the pipe bomb. I created the term ‘pipe bomb’ actually. Everyone emulates my talking because I’m the first guy who really injected personality into wrestling – before me it was all dudes talking about wanting to be the best wrestler and having honorable matches. I created the concept of being a bad guy, which I call being a heel. I created all that.” 

Punk called Triple H “a thief” and said he routinely stole shit from people’s bags to sell on eBay. Apparently Triple H was directly funneling the profits from his ill-gotten gains directly into the WWE to try to offset startup costs for the Network. 

“I kept asking how we were going to be compensated for the Network, and I kept getting the run around and dang it made me upset!”

The WWE Network was a major sticking point for Punk. He assumed he would have a hand in programming the Network and suggested showing classic episodes of Merry Melodies and Looney Toons. When told it was solely a network for WWE-owned content Punk blew a gasket. 

“Who wants to watch wrestling 24/7? That’s fucking bullshit. You need to put some fucking Tom and Jerry on there to get the kid market. Kids will buy merch of straight edge Jerry doing CM Punk poses and then you give me my cut. We should be offering people what they want, like shirts with Tweety bird doing the GTS and then you give me my fucking royalty check.” 

The two biggest shockers were the revelation that CM Punk and AJ Lee are shoot married, and that Punk contracted polio in a WWE ring and now is confined to a wheelchair. 

“I looked at my wife sleeping next to me, and I knew I was marrying this woman. I’m sorry if what I just said confused you, so let me try that again. I looked at my now wife, but then she was not my wife, but she might has well of been my wife, because I knew she would eventually be my wife, by me marrying her.”

“I think I am complicating the issue. She was not my wife when I looked at her. She just wasn’t, but even though I had not proposed marriage to her, I knew we would get married. I knew we would have a marriage together. Today she is my wife, believe it or not, and her last name is Brooks instead of her old last name. And again, I think I confused the issue because I said ‘today she is my wife,’ but she was also my wife yesterday and several days prior to that as well.”

“We have had several consecutive months of being married since we had our wedding. There has not been a single day since our wedding that we have not been married to one another. I want to make it clear that I am married to WWE diva AJ and I have been for quite some time; also I was fired from WWE on the day of my wedding.”  

On contracting polio, Punk was upbeat. “Now I’m in a chair 24/7 but what most people don’t know is A) sitting all day owns and 2) this chair has a special hole to catch my poops so I cut an opening in the bottom of my pants and just let the piss and shit spray out all day. No diapers for me anymore!” 

Punk spent much of the interview talking about what a huge mark he was for Harley Race. “I emulate Harley big time. Remember when I did the mutton chops like he had, or when I did the promo like he did that one time about how this belt makes me the best? That was real good. I definitely want to do all the things Harley Race already did, like drive drunk with my pregnant wife in the passenger seat and get in a wreck that kills her and our unborn child or drive a boat drunk and smash into another boat and injure all the people in the boat.”

 Colt asked Punk to take him back to the fateful day he quit and Punk, though reticent at first, eventually laid it all out. 

“First off I said I’m not taking the piss test and Hunter piped up and said ‘well you know Batista took the same test’ and I asked ‘oh well did you?’ and Hunter just froze up and didn't say anything and Vince’s eyes bugged out and I told them ‘what do my knuckles say?’ All the boys backstage popped big for it, actually, because the door was still open, so Hunter got up and closed the door. He was so shocked that I owned him.”

“I said I don’t fucking love this anymore. I don’t fucking love wrestling. My fucking back is fucked. Fuck. Fucker. Fuck fuck. My fucker. My btamdo is fucked. Bug fuck. Big time fuck. Fucknasty. Wowie fuckin fukc. FUCK. A big fuck. Small fuck. Duck fuck. I said I will quit if you do not make me the main event at Wrestlemania, fuck. Vince said I’ll be facing Hunter at Mania so that’s the main event as far as he’s concerned and I turned to Hunter and told him ‘actually you suck and I don’t want to wrestle you… Paul,’ and all the boys popped huge again because a gust of wind had blown the door open.”

“I hopped up on the table and told Vince this is what happens when you don’t provide diapers for this poopy baby and I pulled down my pants and left a massive log on the table and peaced out. It was cathartic. Actually I think that shit symbolically represented the way I had been treated backstage all these years, because it was very smelly and grose.”

Colt wrapped up the interview, asking if CM Punk had anything else to reveal, and Punk said he was going to join the UFC, win a few fights, and then he’d get to come back and main event Wrestlemania. 

“At the end of the day, I’m just a huge fucker mark,” he said. 

November 14, 2014 - HUGE NEWS UPDATE

REKSLING OBSESSOR DAILY NEWS UPDATE

Huge week of news in wrestling land. Let’s rundown the deaths, cuckings, roster moves, and general insanity of the industry. 

The Bella storyline continues to heat up! After using dark energy to speed the flow of time so she was released from servitude to her sister, Brie Bella quickly re-established herself as a top talent by beating Paige in a singles match. Nikki Bella interrupted afterward and called Brie a big piece of shit and said she was being literal, showing pictures of the duo shortly after birth and Brie was a big turd. Nikki claimed Brie cakes herself with makeup to hide the fact she is a giant poop. Brie countered and said Nikki is one of the most brutal war criminals in modern history, and was in fact a high ranking member of the Khmer Rouge. Undeterred, Nikki produced video evidence showing Brie eating human flesh.

Serge Salinas won the X Division title, beating Samoa Joe with the Big Right Hand after distracting Joe with a big old hunk of cheesecake. 

Daniel Bryan is poor.

Billy Gunn did the ice bucket challenge on his ass and his ass completely froze and Road Dogg had to shoot Mr. Ass’ ass with roman candles until it thawed. 

Tyler Reks has still not signed with New Japan. Despite the lucrative contract offered, he’s gotten cold feet in the wake of Inoki Genome Federation’s advances. While he wants to wrestle for a company like New Japan, Inoki is pulling strings within the Democratic People's Republic of Korea to get Reks the esteemed position of Chairman of the Assembly Presidium, something even Jado and Gedo admit they do not have the power brokering capabilities to manage. 

The tag team of Big Daddy Yum Yum and Cucker Manstrong broke up after Yum Yum refused to let Manstrong cuck him because his dick is 0.25” bigger than Cucker’s. The duo recently lost the NWA East-Southeast Bruce Tharpe Invitational Heavyweight Tag Team Championships to the NuMetal Express, so the breakup was expected. Regardless, the team will be back together in December, when they team up in New Japan for the World Tag League, which they are expected to win. 

Jeff Jarrett put a GFW sticker over the Toyota logo on his car and claimed this makes him a big success. 

Vince McMahon slapped the hell out of Xavier Woods because Woods just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Shadow of Mordor. 

The Fresh Ass Express won a Tornado Hell Barbed Wire Dildo Exploding Landmines Shards of Glass Light-tube Super Inferno Cage Match over the Rock & Roll Express in CZW. Karmine pinned Robert Gibson after beheading him with a katana. Oatgan suffered 3rd degree burns during the contest and it ironically has made him look less hideous. 

People still won’t stop talking about Wrestling Society X, which was bad, actually.  

Brad Maddox has a huge dick and is mega-handsome. He can probably fuck really well, too. I bet he likes fucking asses, in fact – I’m certain of it. 

Expect Blade Butch Masters to be an entrant at the Royal Rumble. He should wind up in the final four and will have a short run as an upper midcarder/occasional main eventer through Wrestlemania. 

Armando Alejandro Estrada gathered all seven Dragon Balls and wished Umaga back to life. 

After losing the IWGP title, AJ Styles has begun to take his character in a new, fresh direction. Having left the Bullet Club, he dubbed himself “Superfuck” AJ Styles, the Most Cumming Man and the Lord of Sperm. He has multiple orgasms during his matches, particularly when he hits big moves, and this has begun to turn him face. 

Dave Meltzer just makes shit up and has no idea what he’s talking about. 

Michael Elgin made headlines this week when he Twitter searched his last name and saw a series of tweets referencing a murder, and instead of reading through the entire exchange and familiarizing himself with what everyone was talking about, he assumed people were accusing him of the crime and defended himself. He later deactivated his Twitter account for 2 hours and wrote a 3000 word diatribe on Facebook about how disrespected he felt.  

POWER RANKINGS: September 12, 2014

The Reksling Obsessor is inarguably the #1 Pro Reksling context-provider in the world, as well as the true king of sports. Thus, we are pleased to finally provide the official power rankings for superstars of sports entertainment.

#10. Miz.

Miz is a bad wrestler but sheesh isn’t he such a fun character? He’s incredibly disingenuous, which makes him a fun heel, and his bad wrestling will mean big money soon. He plays his character the way someone who doesn’t know much about wrestling would, which is yet another point to the favor of ultimate heel Miz, who is definitely doing all of this on purpose.

#9. “Danger” Dolph Ziggler.

Dolph’s character change from “showboat” to the man who runs people down in his car has skyrocketed him to the zenith of his popularity. Early crowd reactions to his new catchphrase “Don’t let me catch you backstage, because I am going to run you down in my car and fucking kill you,” have been universally positive. With his crowd connection growing in concert with his body count, Dolph Ziggler may be on the cusp of superstardom.

#8. Paige.

Paige is gay now and gropes her opponents.

#7. The Brie Show

Big Show promised to have sex with Brie Bella if she teamed with him against Rybaxel. Brie, who is mega-horney ever since Bryan broke his dick in his Extreme Rules match with The Demon Kane, agreed and the dangerous duo dominated The Wyatt Family in dominant fashion. “This is a good team here, I like them,” said Michael Cole. We couldn’t agree more!

#6. Turtle H

Though Stardust’s magick transformed The Game into a snapping turtle, the COO of WWE remains undeterred and has returned to action with a vengeance, winning impressive battles against Luke Harper, Erick Rowan, and the team of Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. All the while, he is hounded by the freakish and bizarre Stardust, who is a wizard now. Will the Shellrebral Assassin continue his winning ways, only as a turtle? Or does he lack the Testudineal fortitude to fight back against the dark magicks of Stardust?

#5. Shawn Michaels

Shawn Michaels shocked the WWE Universe when he returned to WWE Raw as a full time competitor. “I feel good and I like being back,” he said in an impassioned interview during his return. “I want to wrestle some more and I hope I do a good job!” He has already racked up an impressive array of wins again Erick Rowan, beating him 3 times.

#4. John Cena

John Cena has rebounded after his destruction at Summerslam by beating up Luke Gallows and Erick Rowan several times. “The Champ,” who is rumored to have a very big dick, has shown remarkable passion and focus in his matches by doing like two more suplexes. Likewise, he threatened to beat up Paul Heyman for saying mean things about him

#3. Sheamsaro

When Stardust was refused a title opportunity for the US Championship, he snuck to ringside during the battle between Sheamus and Cesaro and crudely fused them together by their dicks in an unholy mockery of natural science. Regardless, the conjoined duo has learned to move in concert with one another and haven’t lost since becoming one.

#2. Brock Lesnar.

Lesnar has promised to piss on John Cena’s corpse after he kills him at the next PPV.

#1. Christ Jericho.

After his murder at the hands of “Danger” Dolph Ziggler, Chris Jericho rose after three days and has been performing miracles to delight and stupefy the WWE Universe. After resurrecting Paul Bearer, Jericho exorcised Adam Rose of the demon inside him and gave Eva Marie the ability to wrestle. “Amen I say to you, thou art a trashbag ho. Thou shalt not run me down again,” he said to Ziggler, who vowed to continue running Jericho over until he stayed dead.

AJ vs Paige Night of Champions

Up front, it should be reinforced that WWE changes plans at the drop of a hat, but as of today, this is the booking information for the rest of the build for the Divas Championship match between AJ and Paige for Night of Champions.

Smackdown August 29th – AJ gives Paige a chocolate. Paige takes a bite and spits it out on AJ, who eats it. Paige is perturbed.

Raw September 1st – AJ faces Emma with Paige on commentary. Paige loudly climaxes when Emma slaps AJ’s ass to tap out to the Black Widow. AJ celebrates in the ring while Paige flees to the back in embarrassment.

Smackdown September 5th – AJ is chewing gum backstage and Paige comes up and apologizes for having an orgasm at ringside during Raw. AJ accepts the apology and spits her gum in Paige’s mouth.

Raw September 8th – Paige throws AJ off a building and then asks AJ to marry her.

Smackdown September 12th – AJ agrees to marry Paige and they make out and then AJ laughs, saying she never loved her. Paige is heartbroken and AJ skips away. Natalya walks by Paige afterward and blasts her with massive farts, knocking her out cold. Paige is taken to the hospital, and AJ watches her get loaded with a conflicted look on her face.

Raw September 15th – Paige returns with a vengeance, destroying Natalya for her fart blasts, but she gets aroused when putting Natalya in the PTO and starts stroking Natalya’s hair instead of locking the hold in. AJ skips out and distracts Paige, allowing Natalya to escape and win by rollup. “I’m very upset and I want to fuck,” Paige says. AJ agrees to fuck Paige if Paige beats her at Night of Champions, and Paige accepts. A title match is signed.

Smackdown September 19th – AJ is seen masturbating to Paige’s Instagram.

Night of Champions September 21st. Both women reveal they have been playing mind games all along, using hyper-sexualized lesbianism to unsettle one another. Despite this, the match is essentially a progression of clothed lesbian porn – they do dueling leglocks that looks like they’re scissoring, there’s a long triangle hold, Paige pulls guard for like 5 minutes and they sort of just grind on each other. AJ attempts to use a Hitachi Magic Wand on Paige, but Paige wrests it from her grip and knocks her out with it, defending the title and earning the right to fuck AJ.

After the match Paige celebrates and taunts AJ. AJ, however, begins to laugh and reveals that this was her plan all along, and once she fucks Paige, Paige will fall in love with her for real and will become her puppet. “I’ll make you just give me the title, govnuh,” AJ says in a British accent, “and also, I’ll make you squirt like a lot. Enough to fill up the bathtub. You are gonna spurt so much juice, babe.” Paige is shocked by this revelation, and the announcers openly question if Paige will think twice about fucking AJ. This development becomes the major plot point building to the following PPV.

WWE NETWORK'S NEWEST SHOW ***SPOILERS***

WWE Network Presents: What the Divas Look for in a Man

As WWE continues its full-speed sprint toward cost cutting and austerity, the new Network offerings become cheaper and simpler. To make up for that fact, WWE had the divas go full-bore, TV-MA on their latest brainchild: a divas talking head panel where they talk about dating and fucking. The show is expected to be their biggest hit, and we have a preview that will show you exactly why. These Grapple-babes are completely uncensored, raw, rude, and highly sexual. Oh my!

Question 1. What kind of dick do you like?

Natalya: One that isn't covered in Icy Hot.

Alicia Fox: Brad Madd-cocks

Bayley: What is a dick? I’m very innocent – and eventually I’ll be Sister Abigail.

Renee Young: Diphallia

AJ: Phil Brooks’ dick (aka CM Punk we got married btw)

Question 2. Have you ever fucked a diva? If so, please tell us who and was it good?!

Paige: Yeah it’s a rite of passage sort of thing, like All Japan Women back in the day and I’m into it big time. Natalya put Icy Hot on my hole though. :(

Alicia: Yeah I definitely did sex with some divas, it’s good btw. I’m not just saying salacious shit to create buzz for this program. I eat ass.

Bayley: Does “fucked” mean hugged? I have hugged every diva on the roster, and many who are no longer here.

Nikki Bella: Come on Brie!

Brie Bella. Come on Nikki!

Question 3. What’s the naughtiest thing you’re willing to admit?

Eva Marie: My hair coloring is my period blood.

Emma: I stole a dildo from Walmart and stroked off in the bathroom and then put the dildo back in its plastic and put it back on the shelf.

Layla: I was doing a diva danceoff at a house show and my stomach lurched and I splurted out a small turd and I panicked and ate it before anyone could see.

Summer Rae: I framed Fandango’s original dancer for murder and that’s why they stopped using her.

Question 4. What’s your favorite position?

Becky Lynch: Potato hahaha (I’m Irish)

Bayley: I prefer a front hug, but sometimes surprise hugs from the back are good too. Side hugs just seem too impersonal, don’t they? Look dead in my eyes when I hug you, do you understand?

Naomi: All fours and then you piss in my butt.

Jojo: Off the main roster because I dared date a main eventer who got bored with me.

Question 5. What’s your ideal date?

Cameron: We do sex for a while and CUM.

Bayley: May 19th!

Natalya: We get amorous and I put on my sexiest lingerie and but I accidentally dip my vagina in some Icy Hot and it burns IT BURNS

Tamina: I spit in your mouth. I break your ribs and kick your kneecaps into dust. I take a bat to your car and your mom. I light your house on fire and keep you locked inside.  

Jake “The Snake” Roberts Bucket Piss Retrospective

By Jake Roberts

The best remembered and most celebrated moment in the remarkable “Beyond the Mat” documentary is when I pissed in a bucket backstage at an indy show. It’s a beautiful thing – a moment stuck in time, but I at times think people don’t understand that I've long made a habit of pissing into buckets backstage at indy shows, and I wanted to illustrate to the reader that every bucket piss is special – from the moment you whip your dick out into the stale, sallow backstage air, until the time you slide that still-dribbling bad boy back in your tights.

5. The fifth best bucket piss I took was backstage at PWG’s Kurt RussellReunion II after my match with my brother Sinn (Kizarney). Now, this of course was another retirement match for me, so I kicked it in high gear and left it all in the ring – all except for my piss, I mean. Came backstage and found a mop and bucket, got rid of the damn mop and pushed my piss so hard in that damn bucket it splattered up and tender flecks of urine stained my mustache. It gave it a real rustic smell. Earthy. To top it off I bet Kizarney $10 he couldn't chug the whole payload and he sloshed it half down and puked it all back up. He’s a trooper, man.

4. Number four still makes the pleasure center of my brain swell up like a g spot bubbling under the tender ministrations of a callous-handed rancher. After my Snake Pit match with Steamboat back in Toronto, I went backstage and started cutting some coke on the shitty wooden benches in the backstage area, and I lost my handle on the blade and it slid under the maintenance closet. Of course, I kicked it open and brother, you gotta believe me when I say there ain’t even been a bucket like the one I saw. Pearly white, just beautiful… looked like it was made of pure marble straight outta Rome. I slipped my cock out and as soon as the first drop hit the bucket, jack, I was in heaven. God is real.

3. Mexico was a rough time for me personally, but AAA had the nicest buckets you could ever ask to piss in. And they were all different you know? Big fucking 50 gallon trough-looking things, rusted-out and repurposed spittoons, novelty plastic cacti – every damn show was an adventure. Between the booze and drugs and women, it might sound crazy, but standing out behind the area in the baking sun, dick flopped out, everyone watching my powerful stream… those were truly the best years of my life. And I wasted them. I’ll never be able to go back.

2. Vince was drunk as all hell after a MSG show and we all piled in his limo. We’re driving and I see this bucket in the back of the limo and I ask him, “Vince, hey Vince, is that a bucket?” He sees me licking my lips and tells me to go ahead so I unzip there and take my penis out in the middle of the bus and start doing a big, strong piss in the bucket. All the boys start getting rowdy so they all take turns pissing in the bucket and it is smelling pungent as all get out. So Vince goes last and he’s completely dry – no piss as all – and he’s screaming and yelling and getting all asshole-ish. No matter what he does though, there's just no piss. So I took him by the head and DDTed him in the piss and god damn it went flying and Vince accidentally gulped a bunch of piss when his face broke the surface. He said it actually tasted very good!

1. Me and Taker were tore up on GHB (back when it was legal) and he dropped a soma in the bucket backstage and I dared him to fish it out with his teeth, and guess what? He tried! But he forgot to take off his hat and it got coated in piss so he got all angry and slung it across the room onto Vader. Vader thought it was funny and he was fucked up to, so he ate Taker’s hat and Taker got livid and pissed on Vader and Vader loved it more. I surreptitiously slipped Taker’s soma out of the bucket and swallowed it. The 90s were great. Also I pissed in the bucket, but I got a free soma so that’s what’s important here. 

The Ross Report 2

 Hello from under my huge fucking hat, and welcome to the second Ross Report here on the Reksling Obsessor. It’s time to “hit the trail” like old John Wayne with my latest thoughts on professional reksling. Boom boom bam pow bang bang boom! Kabam!

Sad to hear rumors abounding that TNA may be on death’s door. While you may not have liked it, less competition is never a good thing, and TNA had a lot of good qualities. Their treatment of women, Mexicans, blacks, and small men was a real throwback to the “old school” and this Okie will miss it.

Have you ever seen Danny Hodge crush an apple in his hand? I’m not exaggerating when I say it literally caused me to undergo puberty the first time I saw it.

Diva I’ve been jacking off to the most lately: Charlotte. It was Layla but I heard she may be a mulatto so I’m holding off for now.

Whatever happened to tough guys? Whatever happened to physical, knock down drag out contests? Whatever happened to stables based on racial stereotypes and having storylines with miscarriages? Sometimes I feel like the “biz” has passed me by.

Ole JR caught up with Stone Cold this weekend and we shared a glass of single barrel Jack Daniels. Incredible stuff. We talked about driving up and down the country – something today’s wrestlers know nothing about. No sweat equity, no drive, just on the internet whining and griping. Stone Cold beat the shit out of his wife and never apologized for it and everyone gives him a pass and I think that’s why – because he worked so hard.

I have gone 2 weeks without pooping in my pants and I wish I could say the same thing about going peepee. It’s disgusting.

How does a horse face jezebel like Lilian Garcia make TV when JR is relegated to doing a shitty podcast and writing these Ross Reports? My face isn’t much worse than hers - at least I look human. As aforementioned her face is horse-like.

WWE needs to make new stars. The only new stars they’ve made this year are Bray Wyatt, Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins. When are they going to get serious?

And another thing, what’s with all these tiny fuckers getting signed to developmental? Call me a body fetishist living vicariously through the physiques of others, but really WWE? Really? REALLY? Kenta is like 5’ tall. This little Irish fucker isn’t much better. There’s they doughboy idiot name Solomon down there who looks like he pisses in gallon jugs so he doesn’t have to get up to urinate while playing video games. The champion down there, if this were Mexico, would be called Mini John Cena, and the big breakout star is this lanky fucking arab who I’d deport just to be safe. I say it again folks, the “biz” has passed me by.

I drink a big soda from Sonic and that’s why I always go peepee in my pants, for the record. Sonic should sponsor me (lol!). Or it could be Depends, due to the peepee accidents.

It’s about time to get outta here, but before I go let me answer some Twitter questions. You idiots love Twitter, right?

Q

If TNA goes out of business, do you think Samoa Joe is WWE bound?

A

I’m making a jackoff motion right now

Q

what are your thoughts on the latest @WWE signing of Fergal Devitt?

A

Why does WWE need a third mini?  

Q

Would you ever entertain the prospect of having @CMPunk on your podcast ?

A

I understand he has had sex with many women in the wrestling world (Maria, Beth Phoenix, Daffney, many more) and I would love to have him describe their nude bodies, the way they “taste”, etc.

Q

Would you agree we're in a 'smark' era wherein fans boo/cheer booking as opposed to heels/faces?

A

I’d like to tie you to a post and lash you

Q

If you could re-book one angle from the past five years (WWE or TNA), what would it be and how would you do it?

A

I’d have had Lawler die for real during the heart attack

Q

can Lesnar be champ from Summserlam til Mania w/ limited schedule he has had in last few yrs?

A

You look like a potato. Awful body and face. Atrocious.

Q

Hello Jim,  going to Washington DC for the first time and wondering if you have any recommendations for outstanding BBQ? Thank you!

A

Stuff some pulled pork in your asshole and sit out in the sun for a few hours. Get a big bowl and splurt the meat into it and mix with whatever spices and accompaniments you like. 

That's all for this week, reksling fans. This is JR signing out. Learn English if you live in America or go home.

Daily Update: TNA Dead? News from all around. Lance Storm. More. 

The Reksling Obsessor can exclusively confirm TNA getting dropped from Spike TV is a work. Sorry if you bought it, marks. 

Old news, but this just came in. Apparently, the wedding of AJ Lee and CM Punk turned into an utter fiasco when Punk crapped in his diaper and the poop ripped though the diaper and the doodoo hit the Justice of the Peace right before he announced them man and wife and then Punk rolled around in the poop and ripped at his suit and he cried and cried. 

In a blog post, Jim Ross complained about the same things he always complains about and was creepy about women.

Tyler Reks is close to signing a huge multi-year contract to return to professional reksling with New Japan. Discussions had been on-and-off for months, but with AJ Styles failing as a draw, Jado and Gedo (true power brokers both inside and outside of the ring) made him a massive offer – $2 million a year downside guarantee, a role as Dian Wei in the next Romance of the Three Kingdoms Adaptation, and his own personal line of dildos molded after his dick and balls.

News just broke on Twitter that the Fresh Ass Express, the team of Oatgan and Karmine, will be reuniting at PWG BOLA. 

Lance Storm had a meltdown on Twitter. We screencapped it before he deleted the EMBARRASSING tweets. 

MEGA-EXCLUSIVE: WWE Considering Turning Cena Heel

So it has come to this. WWE is having actual talks – with John Cena present to give his opinion, no less – about the possibility of turning John Cena heel.

An inside source at WWE, who we’ll just call Jhon Sena to protect his identity, leaked us a list of the top ideas WWE has for how to turn the golden boy to the darkside.

1. Eve Torres shows up backstage and asks to get back together with Zack Ryder, and Cena doesn’t cuck him.

2. Cena claims to be more handsome than Brad Maddox.

3. John Cena says Macklemore is the first rapper in years “who really has something to say.”

4. “Actually what Chris Benoit did was really good. I love it.”

5. “Stone Cold was a mediocre talent at best, and Trish Stratus wasn't hot at all.”

6. He gives a Make A Wish kid the Attitude Adjustment from the roof of the hospital into a septic tank.

7. Claims he created the Yes Chant and gave it to Daniel Bryan.

8. “You talk about your John 3:16, well John 3:16 says – my John 3:16 I mean, not the other one. Hold on. Stop and listen, okay? John 3:16 from the Bible yeah, it says the whole thing about drinking children’s blood or whatever – yes it does. Yes it does say that. Oh yeah? Well pick up a fucking Bible then. Listen, shut up, just – I don’t have time to argue about this with the likes of you. I know what it says. You’re the one who is wrong.”

9. He destroys a bunch of Monster High Dolls in the middle of the ring, stomping them while bare foot.

10. “I prayed for Daniel Bryan to die during surgery.”

11. Harasses people until they watch Doctor Who and then won’t stop talking to them about Doctor Who.

12. He reveals his favorite Pony is Applejack.

13. Cena changes his name to “Racial Epitaph Man”

14. “The ending to Mass Effect 3 was really deep and you just didn't get it.”

15. With tears welling in his eyes, Daniel Bryan talks about his recent trials and tribulations – losing his father, breaking his neck, having the vacate the title and so on – and Cena keeps yelling “my 2012 was worse” until Bryan leaves in frustration. 

The Reksling Obsessor’s 10 Hottest Babes Countdown

We here on the Reksling Obsessor are all red blooded alpha males, so fuck yeah we love SEX and HOT PUSSY and we’re the only pro reksling website brave enough to bring you the straight deets on the hottest slit in the game. If you are under 18 or sensitive to pictures of BABE PARTS, get the fuck out of here!

10. Velvet Sky

Vel Vel make her holler, highlights and huge titty yes. Spray something in my eyes but it’s not the hairspray it’s PUSSYSPRAY from the excitement from the sex with me. I do a good job you cum back for more, leave Angelina in the back ew grose. Put a bag over my head and perform shitty, business exposing offense on my penis. Tattoos drop this sexy pigeon down the perch, but we’re still “perched” with hard cocks to sperm hugely on the perfect ass.

9. Bayley

Sweet, innocent Bayley more like hot, immaculate Babeley. She plays girl next door but has a small tattoo on her wrist. We’ve all seen the tattoo Bayley! That means you are actually a megaslut who wants a hard fucking. Use the hairband as a cockring and make me spurt like a flamethrower only it’s cum not fire and it’ll only burn if it gets in your eyes. That's the price you pay to play the game. Huge butt and underrated boobs! Real boobs? Maybe? Kneed the boobs with rolling pin and make pancakes for breakfast.

8. Alicia Fox

 I’m an animal lover hahahaha. I’ll fuck A Fox. Get it?

7. AJ Lee

Hogie makes us puck but AJ drains our nuts. Pound off 7 times an hour until we’re “cum”pletely out of the good stuff. AJ Lee is visual castration. We cannot procreate because we jizzed out all we have. There is no more left. Take a hammer and break your hollow balls like a piggy bank, they’re worthless now.

6. Stephanie McMahon

Steph, Steph, Steph. Milfy babe is hotter due to pushing out some kids. We value her skin higher due to motherhood. YES. Ultimate Milf with huge hooters that used to be even bigger. Steal her old implants and build a fortress around them with titty moat and titty gate and so much breastmeat! Stand with the implants against the hordes. We will not fall for we have holy protection.

5. Naomi

The “Holy Trinity” of tits and ass, but the ass sits at the right hand of my boner. Crank off while screaming. I can’t handle it. Why is this ass so big. Lamentations at an absent diety for I am unworthy and I want to die. Throw me down into a pit and let her shit onto me from high up. I accept with good grace. Beautiful lady with ass from heaven thank you for the turds. I will wait here into I am covered from head to toe, until such time that the shit engulfs me and I gurgle one final “thank you” as I’m dragged to my final rest.

4. Trish Stratus

Who said it was only current lady grapplers? The thickest girl Patricia Anne Stratigias is really Patricia Anne Stratigiass. Huge ass. Monster ass. Had blonde hair but now dark, which is bullshit. I remember wet t shirt video, where you could see the huge boobs. Remember that? She had a hose and MY HOSE sprayed for days. Download the video and play on a loop, jack it every time you walk by. Invite your friends over and print out pictures of Trish and you jizz on the pics and high five. She fucking loves it. FUCK.

3. Nikki Bella

Fat Bella? Uh fat tits Bella maybe. Who doesn’t love Thickie Nikki? Probably not Daniel Bryan because he picked the wrong one and hates himself for all eternity. “Why did I pick skinny Bella and John Cena fucks hard the hot babe” he says almost for sure. John Cena cum. John Cena big dick. Nikki Bella boob paradise for big veiny John Cena cock ughhh

2. Paige

 Pale Norwich thoroughbred. Have sex with her but be gentle it’s her first time. Holy fuck as ass this good never before seen on an English girl so I eat the ass. WOW tastes good! Eat the ass and clean it, moisturize the ass delicately. This ass is streaming in HD and it’s ready for prime time ass eating and I’m just the man for the job.  4K resolution to see every bit of anus glands even into the anal crypt. Pay $2.99 for an “unlimited backstage pass”, full access to the ass around the clock. I desire a prolonged torture before my deserved death at the hands of this fucking ass.

1. Aksana

Gone but not forgotten, this Euro load queen had a look to boil the thick jizz in our huge nuts. Billions of sperm burned to oblivion with just one sexy glance. “Annihilate yourselves for me” she says with pouty lips as our tadpoles rip and strangle each other and we get testicular torsion. Stand over a picture of Aksana in her gear – the old full length gear of course – and immolate your nuts as a burnt offering for the goddess made flesh. In comparison all other women are shambling corpse sacks - rotted, pungent meat clasped to fraying skeletons internally screaming to be put out of their misery. Congratulations Aksana!

2014 0617 - WWE’s Top 10 Most Likely NXT Callups

WWE has been calling up a lot of talent from developmental of late, and it almost always goes the same way – the wrestler gets a new name and gimmick, the vignettes start up, and within a few weeks they’re on TV. WWE intends to bring up at least 3 of the following gimmicks in the months to come. EXCLUSIVE DO NOT STEAL. 

1. Basketball Man. Coming off the heels of the NBA playoffs, WWE may debut Basketball Man, a tall man in gym shorts and a basketball jersey who loves to play basketball and to do dunks. His finishing move is the MegaDunk, where Basketball Man goes to the top rope with a basketball and dunks it on his opponent’s head.

2. Sami al-Assad. Sami Zayn, who is part Syrian, may be repackaged as a heel, portraying the nephew of infamous Syrian president Bashar al-Assad.

3. Captain Powerful. Whomever is the most powerful person in NXT becomes a cantankerous army captain and he says things like “I fucking love shooting guns” and “terrorism is bad, fuck off with that okay” and “drones suck and I hate them because they are cowardly. Just deploy my muscles to grind up the bad guys for fuck’s sake. I don’t even give a shit. I’m huge.”

4. Sister Abigail. Bayley.

5. Sasha Banker. Sasha Banks drops the “s” for an “er” and becomes NXT’s banker. She claims to have ten years of experience in banking and talks about the advantages of a fiat currency. She offers 401(k) plans to NXT talent and lectures them when their accounts get overdrawn. Hates Bitcoin.

6. Clams. Big Cass and Enzo Amore don clam suits and form a tag team of tough talking clams, Big Clam and Awesome Clam. 

7. Sir Britain. One of two ideas for Adrian Neville. The first, Sir Britain, is a traditional heel gimmick where Neville extols classic English virtues like colonialism, mercantilism, and austerity.

8. Baige. Paige’s brother, Baige, is the second gimmick idea for Adrian Neville. There is a romantic subtext between them, of course.

9. Barfy. Mojo Rawley has a chance meeting with Darren Drozdov and learns how to puke on command, and carves out his own legacy as a barf boy.

10. Rick Piss. Just a standard, straightforward grappler who happens to have a silly name. 

2014 0530 - Total Divas Season 3 spoilers. 

Season 3 of Total Divas just got picked up by the E! Network. What you may not know, however, is WWE already has at least 5 episodes worth of footage in the can. We here on the Reksling Obsessor can exclusively break down in great detail what storylines you can expect from the Emmy award winning show when it returns. 

The fiery latina Rosa Mendes isn’t the only new addition to the show. Brad Maddox, the former Raw GM, has been all over the new season, as an object of lust for literally every diva in the company. Maddox, who amassed over 12 million more votes than the second highest vote getter in a WWE APP poll that ranked the most handsome man in the company, has become the focal point of the entire season. Here are some major quotes from the upcoming season!

Natalya: Brad Maddox is easily the most handsome man I have ever seen and I can’t wait to cuck Tyson with him.

Rosa Mendes: As someone shamelessly referred to in advertising as a “fiery latina”, I can only say “Ay Papi!!! Me gusta Brad Maddox!”

 Brie Bella: Brie Mode more like Brad Mode.

Naomi: I would definitely be dtfodbb (down to fuck on Daniel Bryan’s bus).

Daniel Bryan: Wow! Yes chant? More like Brad chant, because you’re so handsome and strong. I’m definitely retiring saying yes right away and will begin doing Brad chants immediately. Are you okay with that Brad? I love you a whole lot dude.”

Tamina: [on a date with Brad] Want to take you home and do weird stuff. Want to pick you up on my shoulders and do squats. I want to jump on your crotch. Smash your plums. Kick you right in the goddamn anus. I want to bite on your nips and twist just a little and then I’ll surreptitiously pour some milk on where I bit and then I’ll say “oh wow I didn’t know you’re nursing.” 

Summer: Let’s dance or something. Is that still my thing? Am I still a dancer or not? 

Macho Man Randy Savage: You’ve got lust in your eyes for Elizabeth. But why not me, Brad? Why not old Mach? 

Jhon Cena: Bard Manly you are true to your last name and we all look up to you, even me, Jhon Cena. 

Rendy Ortan: I fucking love Sceince but I fucking love Board Maddicks more!!!!!!!!!

Vince McMohan: Yes Brag we did fired you from Monday Night Raw from the GM position but it is because “best business practices etc” in that it is time with monetize you in a proper way, using you (as should we) as a money man, a drawer, and a promotional figureman for the TV shows like Today Show, Conan Show, Tonight Show, Price is Right Show, Top Guns, Pawn Star, Macklemore Show, Pawn Macklemore, and much more (IE) we see you as a bigman wrestling –BIG OF HEART NOT HUGEBODY – and we are progressing as we should properly in this way. Thank you badD I will talk to you soon about youre roll with this company of WWE Wrestlinig thanks. 

Aksana: Wow Brad nice penis

Cameron: Yes I agree Aksana.

Other moments from the show: 

Brie gets prego, and Nikki is pissed because she’ll never have a baby. 

Sandra the seamstress gets prego by Brad. 

The divas play flag football with the Legends House and 4 legends die. Ashley and Brad Maddox hook up. 

Cameron writes and performs “Girl Bye 2: Ultimate Girl Bye”

John Cena and Nikki get a dog and Nikki wonders if John loves the dog more than her. 

Eva Marie gets big into video games and Tyson Kidd, a hardcore gamer all his life, is at first dismissive of her, but she earns his respect by beating him in Tekken. 

Ric Flair visits Charlotte at her apartment and sees a picture of Reid so he starts crying and bleeding and shrieking and he rolls around on her furniture and gets blood all over it (it’s just pouring from his forehead like a Super Soaker) and he finally calms down when Brad Maddox calls Ric and tells him to chill.

John and Nikki’s dog gets married to Daniel Bryan and Brie’s dog and Nikki refuses to go to the wedding.